Art Flutter

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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I keep having my profile on that dating website “Match.com” rejected.
One of the questions is, “What do you want in a woman?”.
Apparently “my cock” is not an acceptable answer.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, “you’ve all got one minute to get out!”
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, “you cunt!”

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they fuck off and its a really nice day.

What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

A man walks into a petrol station and says, “can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.”

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in order.”

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.”

The woman said, “I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

Now that’s putting Your Affairs In Order

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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What was wrong with the timber car?
It wooden go.
What about the metal car?
It steel wooden go!

How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Pattie.

A man and a giraffe are having a drink in the pub.
The giraffe flakes it on the floor from too much drink and the man gets up to leave.
The barman says “Hey you can’t leave that lying there.”
The man says “Don’t be stupid it’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
Because he got a hole-in-one.

What do you call a lady in the distance?
Dot.

What do you call a lady between two goal posts?
Annette.

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen.

What do you call a Japanese lady with one leg?
Irene.

(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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In the world of romance, one single rule applies:Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the system works.

Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But return with Beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-20)

Continue reading ‘Merit/Demerit Point System’

(4 votes, average: 2 out of 5)

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