Art Flutter

3 men are standing in line at St. Peter’s gates waiting to get into heaven.
St. Peter makes an announcement: “Sorry everybody, heaven is pretty full right now, so we’re only letting people in who suffered horrible deaths today.”
The first man comes up to St. Peter and tells him his story: “So I thought my wife was cheating on me, I came home to our apartment early from work hoping to catch her with the guy. When I came in I looked everywhere, but I couldn’t find him.
Finally I went out on the balcony and there he was! He was hanging from the edge of our balcony so I started stamping on his fingers, but that didn’t work. So I got a hammer and hit his fingers with it and finally he fell!
In a fit of rage I went and threw the refrigerator over the side hoping it would land on him also. …then I had a heart attack and wound up here.”
St. Peter said, “that’s a pretty traumatizing death. Come on in.”
The second man walks up to St. Peter and tells him his story: “So I was exercising on my balcony, when I slipped and fell over the side. I managed to grab hold of one of the balconies as I fell, but there was no one around and I thought I was done for.
Suddenly a guy appeared and I thought I was saved, but he started stamping on my fingers and hit them with a hammer.
I couldn’t hold on and I fell to the ground, luckily I landed in a bush and I was OK. Then out of nowhere a fridge landed on me and I ended up here.”
St. Peter said, “how horrible, come right on in.”
The third man went up to St. Peter and tells him his story: “So I’m naked hiding in this fridge…”

(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy’s mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out “Oh fat boy,whip me,whip me!”

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, “Did you get these marks having sex?”

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy (let alone that she allowed the kinky twat to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, “I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I’ve ever seen.

(2 votes, average: 1.5 out of 5)

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One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT??!!what was that?!” So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, “Lets get a pair for each outfit.” We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, “WHAT?”

I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that girl knows I’m smarter than her.

(6 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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