Tag Archive for 'jokes'



Who Makes the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . “HEBREWS”


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Two Statues

Two nude statues, one male and one female, had been standing in the middle of a beautiful park for 99 years. On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to them.

He said to them, “God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to grant you a wish of becoming human for a short time.”

The angel told them they would be human for just fifteen minutes and they could do anything they wanted, anything at all that they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes.

The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy, laughter and “oh, yes”, “oh, god”, “yes, yes, yes”

After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating, laughing and beaming from ear to ear.

“That was quick!” the angel said, “you’ve still got 5 more minutes”

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said, “Cool, this time you hold down the pigeon and I’ll shit on its head.”


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Bed Fart

Do You Fart In Bed?Turkey

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married For years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly normal. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Continue reading ‘Bed Fart’


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A Nice Little Town

What do you call residents of this nice little town?

German News


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Tys Sex News Corner

Puts new meaning to playing hide the sausage

Staff at a German butcher’s shop were shocked to discover a customer had hidden two sex toys in their sausages for transport to Dubai, police said on Wednesday.

“It was two latex dildos with a natural look,” said a spokesman for police in the southwestern city of Mannheim.

After shopping there earlier in the day, the man, who spoke broken English, returned to the butcher’s with two large “Schwartenmagen” sausages. He asked a shop assistant to wrap and cool them until he departed for Dubai the next day.

But the assistant noticed the goods had got heavier and alerted police. Officers discovered the man, who was about 50, had removed some of the meat and packed the dildos inside.

“He could have used a loaf of bread,” the spokesman said. “It’s not against the law here. But obviously I can’t speculate on what customs in Dubai will have to say about it.” - Reuters UK

Suassage


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Sixth Sense

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying “God bless Mummy, Godbless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: “God bless Mummy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,

“God bless Mummy and good-bye daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened. This morning our neighbour James dropped dead on our porch.”


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The 2 Cows

Socialism
You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

Communism
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

Facism
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism
You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucratism
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.

Anarchism
You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

Traditional Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies. You sell them and retire on the income.

Conservatism
You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.

Continue reading ‘The 2 Cows’


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Bono Kills African Children

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd, pierces the quiet ………… “Well, foockin stop doin it then!”


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Take From the Rich, Give to the Poor Looking


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Little Sally

8 year old Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face told her mother.

“Frank Brown showed me his willy today!”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mum asked, “Really small was it?”

Sally replied, “No…Salty”


(4 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5) Loading ... Loading ... Comments



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