Art Flutter

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Continue reading ‘Installing A Husband’

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in order.”

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. “Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the club and have a martini.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.”

The woman said, “I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”

Now that’s putting Your Affairs In Order

(1 votes, average: 1 out of 5)

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There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone Brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father’s business.
2. He lived at home until He was 33.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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There are two sisters, one is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, and then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable’.” The operator shakes his head.

“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your ute and drive out here, to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word ‘comfortable’?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. It’s a big word. She’ll read it very slowly, com - for - da - bul.”

(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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Proudly showing off her newly leased down town apartment to a couple of friends late one night, the slightly drunk blonde led the way to her bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

‘What’s that big brass gong for?’ one of the friend’s asked.

‘Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock’ she drunkenly replied.

‘A talking clock - seriously?’

‘Yup.’

‘How’s it work?’ the second friend asked, squinting at it.

‘Just Watch’ she said as she picked up a large hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering bash and stepped back.

Her mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed ‘For fuck’s sake you stupid bitch, it’s ten past three in the fucking morning!!!’

(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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