Art Flutter

An 85-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal.

The doctor says, ‘George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?’

George replies, ‘God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, *poof *!, the light goes on. When I’m done, *poof *!, the light goes off.’

‘Wow, that’s incredible,’ the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.

‘Ethel,’ he says, ‘George is fine, but I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, *poof *! the light goes on in the toilet, and when he’s done, *poof *! The light goes off?’ ‘

OH MY GOD!’ Ethel exclaims.’He’s pissing in the fridge again!!!!’

(1 votes, average: 2 out of 5)

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Two blondes walk into a building……….you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only glad wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
‘Is it common?’ “It’s not unusual.”

A man takes his rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “Why? Because he’s cross-eyed? ”
“No, because he’s really heavy”

Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”

Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?”
I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum
or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bastard!”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be Prime Minister. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to catch them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20.

Continue reading ‘Monkey Market’

(1 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’

‘Sure.’

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

“No, I can remember it.’

‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

‘Where’s my toast ?’