Art Flutter

I keep having my profile on that dating website “Match.com” rejected.
One of the questions is, “What do you want in a woman?”.
Apparently “my cock” is not an acceptable answer.

A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, “you’ve all got one minute to get out!”
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, “you cunt!”

Why are women like clouds?
Eventually they fuck off and its a really nice day.

What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.

A man walks into a petrol station and says, “can I please have a KitKat Chunky?”
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
“No,” says the man, “I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.”

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: “English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.”

One week later, “The Kerryman,” a south west Irish newsletter, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O’Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless.”

(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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Pretty sure he did.

(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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The World Vision realised that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a World Vision volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to help the world’s poor through World Vision?’

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’ Embarrassed, the World Vision rep mumbles, ‘Uh….. No, I didn’t know that.’

‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.’ The stricken United
Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’ The humiliated World Vision rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’

And the lawyer says, ‘So….. if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?’

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Because even geeks need to keep in shape.

(2 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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