Art Flutter

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the system works.

Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8) But return with Beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-20)

Continue reading ‘Merit/Demerit Point System’

(4 votes, average: 2 out of 5)

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Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran,” accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long flash light he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Continue reading ‘Enhancing the Gene Pool’

(4 votes, average: 2.5 out of 5)

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One day, three friends went to A Dublin Strip Club. One of the friends wanted to impress the other two, so he pulls out a $10 note. The “dancer” came over to them, and the one friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, the other friend pulls out a $50 note. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on the third guy.

He got out his wallet, thought for a minute… then got out his ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door.

(3 votes, average: 1.33 out of 5)

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“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” (Shane Wakelin)

“Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (Mick Malthouse, Collingwood)

“I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Peter Bell, Fremantle, on his University Law studies)

“You guys line up alphabetically by height,” and “you guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.” (Barry Hall, Sydney Captain, at training)

“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.” (Brock Maclean, Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt.

“He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.” (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird)

“It’s basically the same, just darker.” (Jonathan Brown) on night Grand Finals Vs day Games

“I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Barass, I don’t know and I don’t care’”. (Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton)

“I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.” (Barry Hall, Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season.

“Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago.” (Dermott Brereton)

Continue reading ‘Out of the Mouths of Footballers’

(4 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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A couple is going out for a night on the town. They’re all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won’t come out. They don’t want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to wait in the taxi. Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone “to say good-bye to my mother”.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he says. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her
in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard! She’d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”.

The silence in the cab was deafening.

(2 votes, average: 1.5 out of 5)

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